Build Me a Door and Paper Trail
by puppetierin
Summary: America finally confesses to England - via snail mail. Things get interesting when other countries find out. Rated for language.
1. Build Me a Door

**Brief A/N: I wrote this originally for a contest on dA, but then discovered that I actually needed to have Arthur _saying something_ (whoops). So the tones between part one (Build Me a Door) and part two (Paper Trail) are quite different, but still quite enjoyable, in my opinion.**

**All APH characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. The story belongs to me.**

* * *

><p>July 5th, 2011<p>

Dear Arthur,

Thanks for coming to my party sober. I guess it's a rough time of year for you. I know you only made it because Francis babysat you, and I'm sorry about that… I kinda asked him to do it. I had to talk to you, but I guess you just wanted to deliver my yearly black eye before leaving. I can't see out of my left eye today – it swelled shut. It's really messing with my depth perception. Mattie almost fell over laughing when I poured the pancake batter directly onto the floor instead of into the pan this morning. By the way, I've enclosed pictures from his birthday party, because you missed it (again).

…Right, what I wanted to say to you. Actually, I've wanted to seriously talk to you since 2001, but other things happened. And then stuff just kept on happening. Katrina… The oil spill… But since bin Laden is out of the picture, and the skies seem relatively clear (for now) _and_because it's my birthday, I'm finally writing to you. (I can just see your face, telling me to get to the point. Damn it, Arthur, I'm getting there.)

So, two hundred and thirty-five years ago yesterday, my Congress signed the Declaration of Independence. My first birthday! It was… incredible. Exciting because I was finally understanding and acting with my nature, with what my people wanted. Unalienable rights! The pursuit of happiness! Justice! All those things you make fun of me for being so proud of. And scary too, because, you know, I was separating myself from you. Well, actually, you'd ignored me for years on end on empire business, but that time was different. There wasn't any guarantee we'd ever speak on civil terms again.

I was so scared, Arthur. You could sense it in my men. Prussia came over with the Baron von Steuben a few years later, and he made me decide. _There's no middle of the road in war, colony,_ he said. _Now, are you going to make yourself a country or are you going to let your people drown in a tide of fucking tea and blood? _

What if I'd stayed, Arthur? I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be Alfred, the United States of awesome America. I'd be you. No, not even you. Just a shadow of you, trailing behind you and planning to stab you in the back at every turn. It was a choice between my people and you. You you you you you.

Yeah, I left because that was what I needed. My people needed. If you can't respect that, then I don't know if I can call you a friend. If you can't understand that, then you have no business being the embodiment of a country.

And if you just _won't_, then I wonder what business I have loving you like I do.

Oh yeah, I love you. I always kinda knew that, but I always felt like you would laugh at me for being a like a little kid. This year, though, I realized that even if you laugh, I'd still love you. So make fun, if you want. But somehow I know that your schadenfreude would be sad. And really, it's not like that. So you shouldn't laugh, okay? You're not a terrible person to love. A bit, well… Kiku calls you a 'tsundere' behind your back sometimes. He said it meant something about you being embarrassed, building walls, that sort of thing. I guess you are 'tsundere'!

This is getting pretty long and you're probably already planning something to get back at me. Point is, Arthur, whether you like it or not, I am who I am: your friend (not your little brother), waiting on the other side of that wall. You can keep that wall, if you like. But would you mind putting in a door for me? Just for me (no one else!).

This is being sent through snail-mail, so I don't know when it'll reach you. (Hopefully I won't chicken out before I put it in the mailbox.) But whenever you read it, what I have written will still be true.

God save the Queen.

_Alfred F. Jones_

… P.S.  
>I love you. I think I mentioned it earlier. But I felt like saying it again. Just in case you forgot or skipped over that part or something.<p>

… P.P.S.  
>I'd keep the key with my dog tags.<p>

...P.P.P.S.  
>Put a peephole in the door, so you can check to see if it's me before you open it. Nobody else should be allowed in. Just you and me.<p>

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><p><strong>Be a peach, leave a comment. 3 They encourage me to post more here! Hope the fluff didn't frighten you off.<strong>


	2. Paper Trail

**And now... the fun part.**

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><p>Dear Mr. Jones,<p>

Thank you for your letter dated July fifth. Mr. Kirkland has asked me to send his regards and best wishes, and also to inform you that "You ended a sentence with a preposition, you git." He invites you to a lesson to relearn the Queen's English sometime later this month, perhaps following an aquaintance's party on Bastille Day.

Have a wonderful day,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Ms. Wattleby,

Thank you for replying to my letter for Arthur. Please tell him for me that he is a limey bastard and that I'll see him on Bastille Day. Please also print him out a copy of the letter you sent me and tell him to shove it up his ass.

Sincerely,

Alfred F. Jones

—

Alfred,

Please refrain from giving my P.A. such orders. She has wicked streak and she takes such invitations very seriously. I'll see you on Bastille Day.

Arthur

—

Arthur,

Did you even read my letter?

Al

—

Alfred,

Of course I did. We'll talk after Francis's party.

Arthur

—

Arthur,

You are an asshole.

Alfred

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

Mr. Kirkland has asked me to send you this box, labeled, aptly, with "How much I give a shit." Should you open it, you will find it empty. I know this because I suggested it to him.

Sincerely,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Arthur,

I'll meet you at the theater.

Al

—

Dearest Louise,

He gave him a ticket to the theater. Please inform Mr. Bonnefoy immediately, as per our agreement.

Love,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Mademoiselle Agnes,

When I see you, I shall present you with a bouquet of roses of deepest red; they shall signify my passion for you and all of the hard work you have done. Louise has already received a bottle of finest wine. Yours shall be delivered in person and with a loving kiss.

With deepest affection,

Francis Bonnefoy

—

Kiku,

They're finally getting together! Come over and spy with me.

Francis

—

Francis-san,

What kind of equipment should I bring?

Honda Kiku

—

Kiku,

my love, I know what that -san business is and I can assure you, we are closer than that. 3

There is no need to bring any equipment. I have had everything ready since the end of World War II.

Francis

—

Italy-chan,

Alfred-kun and Arthur-san are finally getting together! I am so excited, I just had to write to someone. I cannot focus on my game shows or making onigiri. Please be discreet with this information.

Honda Kiku

—

Lieb' Kiku,

While Feliciano is living at my house, it is inadvisable to send private mail to this address (electronic or otherwise) because Gilbert is very good at guessing passwords.

They took longer than Feliciano and I did. What dummkoepfen.

Ludwig

—

Lieb' diary,

US and UK are getting together! Makes me so happy to be alone. Who wants to hang out with them, anyway?

the awesome PRUSSIA

—

Kikuuuu!

How exciting! Are you going to go spy on them? Be sure to tell us how it goes!

Much love and pasta!

Feliciano

—

Fratello!

Did you hear the news? Did you hear the news?

Feliciano

—

Feliciano,

What the fuck are you going on about now? What news?

Lovino

—

lovinovargas: sorry hold on a second

lovinovargas: my stupid fratello is sending me weird emails

imyongsoo: ok

imyongsoo: both of our brothers are weird

—

Lovi!

Alfred and Arthur are dating now! Or something like that! But don't tell anyone, it's a secret!

Feliciano

—

Feliciano,

Why would I give a shit.

Lovino

—

lovinovargas: back

lovinovargas: apparently, England and America are hooking up

lovinovargas: sweet jesus, took them fucking long enough

—

Aniki!

England and America are "hooking up!" You should "hook up" with me, too!

your BROTHER D

—

Ivan:

Please make my brother "one with you." He wants to hook up with me.

Wang Yao

—

Dearest Wang Yao

Why does your brother wish to do that with you?

Vanya

—

Ivan:

He's following Arthur and Alfred's example, aru. Just take my brother off my hands!

Wang Yao

—

Dearest Wang Yao

Ahhhhhhh. At Bastille Day, I imagine.

I see your problem. I will arrange for Natalya to have a date with him.

Vanya (please call me that instead of Ivan)

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:49 P.M.

ARTHUR, WHY THE FUCK IS IVAN SITTING BEHIND US? THIS ISN'T EVEN A RUSSIAN BALLET D:

—

sender: Arthur Kirkland

time: 7:50 P.M.

How the bloody hell should I know! You didn't tell anyone about this, did you? And turn the caps lock off on your phone!

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:50 P.M.

OF COURSE I DIDN'T, JESUS. YOU DO KNOW THAT I WAS FOUNDED BY PURITANS, RIGHT? I CAN'T, IT'S STUCK. I'LL ASK KIKU TO FIX IT NEXT TIME I SEE HIM. :

—

sender: Arthur Kirkland

time: 7:51 P.M.

Let's get out of here. Maybe he won't see us go. We can get some French pastries or something while we're here and then go someplace where they speak a civilized language.

—

sender: Ivan Braginski

time: 7:51 P.M.

Fredkaya, I see you 3 3 3

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:52 P.M.

'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU MOTHERFUCKER GO GO GO

—

Lieb' diary,

So after Francis's totally unawesome party that ended early I decided to stop at a cafe and write in my totally awesome diary. And guess what happened! I spotted old UK and US holding a box of pastries and walking towards the park. I'll report back later.

the awesome PRUSSIA

—

Lieb' diary,

FRANCIS WAS TOTALLY STALKING THEM WITH KIKU AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME! I was mad but when they saw me they invited me and told me to keep track of their movements. Kiku has a video camera and Francis has binoculars.

They're walking and eating something really yummy-looking. And talking. Mostly US talking.

Still walking and eating. It actually looks like something with raisins. I hate raisins.

They stopped in front of the duck pond and sat down on a bench. Still talking, but UK's doing most of it now.

Gilbird almost busted our cover when he peeped at a female duck. YEAH LITTLE GUY, THOSE CHICKS ARE CUTE, BUT SHUT UP

They're feeding the birds with whatever it is they didn't finish. It looks like US is feeding them a lot of raisins (maybe he hates them too. I always liked that kid.).

Still talking. It's getting dark. Mein Gott, make a move, one of you!

WHEN I WAS LOOKING DOWN TO WRITE THAT, THEY KISSED, ACCORDING TO FRANCIS. KIKU STILL RECORDING. GODDAMNIT FUCK SHIT [angry scribbles]

—

sender: Gilbird Beilschmidt

time: 9:35 P.M.

Let's go pick up some chicks.

—

sender: Pierre Bonnefoy

time: 9:37 P.M.

These French beauties are all mine. Fuck you, yellow-feathered mutt.

—

sender: Gilbird Beilschmidt:

time: 9:40 P.M.

Yes please.

—

sender: Pierre Bonnefoy

time: 9:42 P.M.

Let's do this, mon amis.

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

enclosed is a largely ornamental key, probably skeleton in nature. Mr. Kirkland instructed me to tell you that it is your late birthday present. Congratulations on a wonderful first date.

Sincerely,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Arthur,

I think I found our mole. Your assistant is a seriously creepy lady. Call or text me. I had Kiku fix the phone.

Al

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

That's a secret.

Have a nice day,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

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><p><strong>Told you it would be fun!<strong>

**Some notes of interest:**

**Most of this was sent via email. The exceptions are: Agnes's first letter; Lovi and Yong Soo's exchange (they were Skyping); and anything noted with a "Sender" and a time (those are texts). If you noticed the time frame on the birds' texting, it's because it's bloody hard to text when you have wings instead of thumbs.**

**... and oh, all of the characters, with the exception of Agnes and Louise, belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. Story and Agnes and Louise belong to me.  
><strong>

**Thanks for reading, y'all. I really hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment. :)**

**EDIT: I realized why I never really cottoned-on to FF. This formatting is driving me crazy. :\  
><strong>


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